that is some false trueness

My mental understandings, which are derived from past insights, are at war with my mental stream.

I believe that truth can be experienced as a state of being. I have had experiences where I knew I was in this state and glimpsed some of the how and the why behind my existence and of my journey though form. I knew it to be true because I was simply seeing things as they were and the shocking profundity of how obvious and simple it is to see in this way gives its own confirmation. Once that state is no longer experienced as the simple unfolding isness then these glimpses of truth become memories and can only be recalled as thoughts. The truth that was seen in a state of self authenticating knowingness has been reduced to the level of thought-form and is then as impermanent and questionable as any other thought. The potency of the knowing has become a belief. The belief may carry the charge of excitement that is an integral part of truth, and this charge may motivate one to carry on a certain path long after any clarity from the truth has faded. The belief itself may inspire the recollection of truth as a distant knowingness, but at this point it is still just mind stuff.

I have recently spent time observing my mental stream. I would take a particular thought or set of thoughts about one topic and break it/them down into the base energies or motivations for their existence. I found that everyone I did this with revealed some fear of the future or of the past in relation to the future. An example would be mulling over a particular job at work. I would be running the job through my mind thinking of how to do it if it was one i hadn't completed, or if it was on that I had completed I would be recalling how I did and looking for errors. This seems like a good framework for learning and planning yet when I felt the motivation behind the thoughts or the feeling that came with them it was one of anxiety and stress. The mind seems to think it can solve the problem of stress and fear by figuring something out. I believe that the anxiety about work is a stored energy in my energy field and gets time in the mental stream because of its proximity to what is in my life each day. So all the little worries and fears we have will get time in the mental stream at some point. The fears were created or passed down to us when we were born and began experiencing this world. For example if we had an experience when we were very young where we wondered off, and our parents went into a fearful panicked state, followed by an angry state towards us for causing them suffering, and if we were just innocently following our curiosity then we might be confused about why we deserve this big influx of anger and fear. Without the whole understanding of the situation and with that innate feeling that parents are all knowing we must conclude that we for some unknown reason are bad or flawed.

If all our experiences are recorded as created energies and stored in our totality then the insights of truth and beauty and oneness and thoughts about them will bump into the stored experiences of pain and the thoughts about them. The belief that I am light and a beautiful divine being will bump into the feeling of being unworthy, or flawed. Then a war might ensue in the mind... how exhausting to have thoughts battling each other... each are just as valid in their present form. Each drawing from experience as support for their existence. The only way to break this stalemate is to transcend thought and move into being...

That is way fucking easier to say than do. Until you do, and realize that you missed it because it is so easy and so simple. Damn isnt it funny that I am writing about both sides here but I am doing it with thoughts and words? Kinda calls into question the validity of any of this... ah such is my present experience anyways... sitting at home from work sick in bed and pondering... trying to figure out what I am holding back from yet knowing it at the same time and not allowing it to unfold. Frustration has grown strong enough for a full collapse and surrender but I have had moments...

body awareness smarter than mindstuf

Regardless of where my mind goes my body is sustaining itself. It seems to be able to do this better when I am feeling good about myself, yet there is some underlying will to survive and thrive that transcends the mental stream. i.e. when I am feeling bad and have feelings of not caring about living or dying the body seems to know this is just mental streaming and will continue to support itself. I believe all suicidal thoughts stem from mental pollution. From inner unexpressed pain that is making noise and trying to be heard and seen but gets twisted by the core error in our programming that says we are not worthy. The urge for self annihilation seems to come from a desire to be free. that we are so weary of the struggle that we would give up anything to be free of it, even our own lives. But if we are ready to give up on life itself why not consider giving up on our attachment to our identity? Could this be a profound way to assist those who are in extreme suffering? I think so. Though I think it would be fair to say that many would hold on to their story and their suffering and prefer to go down with them intact rather than let go into a state prior to any story.

I speak of this drawing from my own experience of attempted suicide when I was 16 and more presently of the building up of suffering that happens within me and the direction my thoughts go. I know I want to live and to be free yet sometimes the suffering becomes so great it causes feelings of wanting to give up... these feelings of giving up feel like they could be directed towards the ego shell and the pain itself. which is where the magic might happen, and is the last thing I want to do.. turn towards the pain and see it for what it is breaking the spell.

definitions

while driving through Squamish on my way to the city the other day I had a thought stream end with what I would call my simple definition of spirituality.

Spirituality is paying attention to what is going on inside of you.

it needn't be more complicated than that. I believe that absolutely everything that has does and will ever exist or unfold is spiritual but to discover this one simply needs to pay attention to what is happening to themselves from the inside. your thoughts emotions and reactions... your desires your fears and what you believe to be true vs. what you know as truth. Words about this can be written, read, contemplated and argued over, but the endless discovery of what we really are begins by paying attention. To things on the surface... or as deep as we can manage... and then deeper... and then deeper... and then we realize what we once thought was deep was just a more subtle story of shallow things. and the process enters a new phase of going deeper... and deeper. and as far as I can tell has no depths or limits... even after enlightenment, full realization, complete transcendence of all karma and merging with the collective, complete transcendence of physical laws and this reality, merging with the sun and experiencing every photon of live giving energy, every atom and molecule in the entire solar system and being aware of each and all at the same time. experiencing like this further and further until reaching total universal omnipotence and beyond to all the dimensions and universes and all physical existence simultaneously realizing that you are all this and are part of the creative forces that both conceived and sustain it. or something like this.....