If you can summon the courage to see the truth, you will know freedom.

Me talking about myself to myself.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

and so we come to it, the great battle of our age..snicker snicker

If you want to speed up your awakening try the candida cleanse and then sit with the cravings you get even when you are full of healthy anti candida food... look at where your cravings and impulses come from... it rapidly leads you into those energies which are normally suppressed by indulgences... and these indulgences are normal living for most I believe. I am having a tough time with this. It would be great to open a retreat centre where peeps can come and get good food (help make it actually) and get support and counselling mixed with healing. All sorts of modalities... oh my what a good thought... I am going to do this. And my own struggle and navigation of this will help me formulate the program...

Though it should be noted that one of my main themes right now is how ridiculous systems are... systems are limited. even yoga, for which I have the utmost respect for - all the masters throughout the ages and their contributions... But the approach that we take to systems is often run by our egos... well almost always from what I can tell. Fixation on the outcome and following the rules to get there is taking us out of the moment, out of the enjoyment of ourselves right now... which is what the system is designed to deal with... but the ego takes on these healing systems and makes a future goal of how it will be when we master this or that, then it attaches to it and works for years at it always believing the goal is close but we just need to master this technique or that pose, or still the mind... but as long as the ego is leading you along while following these systems you are never gonna get to the place you are seeking... to seek is to deny that the presence of what you are seeking is absent in your life... But all the true masters and teachers say that it is right here... right now. You dont need to meet any requirements what so ever to find it. So why are we always seeking? Why are we worried about following any systems when we are skipping over the first and most obvious thing? The process is the peace, and can be enjoyed rather than be a long term battle.

Now I must say for myself how ridiculously easy it is for my mind to take me along for a ride. This is my present normal state, with a few moments here and there of true observation and acceptance of what is. The rest is all just a story. Just ideas and goals of how to feel better or be free or that sedentary feeling that comes from a belief that I am on the right path and will get "there" eventually...
One thing I keep bumping into, when I have cultivated enough presence to see these things as they are, is a strong force that steers me away from this clarity and pulls me back into the dream state. It is accompanied by extremely unpleasant feelings which are physical, emotional and energetic. I have long since deemed these to be past trauma and closings to a world that was at those times too much to deal with. How is it for you? What is the force keeping you suppressed? How did it get there?


Most of my spiritual exploration in the past 5 years has been rhetorical since in the 5 years previous (starting 10 years ago) I had a master teacher and healer showing me all this stuff on nights where he would help me walk through that resistance and see things as the were... the information I took in was astounding. The insights into my life and being as well as anything or anyone else I focused on were very profound and while I would fade from those states of clarity and lose the connection with the wisdom I would retain information in a memory trace and would then proceed to follow the information I saw, but with my ego.. so it was never quite effective and always had me seeing everything around me as not good enough... myself and all other people, because when compared to those clear open amazing times everything else was pretty dark and ignorant... and painful.

The process of walking through the forces that kept me from opening and seeing was always very unpleasant. Picture (or feel) that you come face to face with an energy or feeling that you have been suppressing due to how nasty it feels. The common reaction I have observed is to let the unconscious defences (which are that energies own) take over and either deny (can be violent) or glaze over with distractions or actually leaving the body, claiming tiredness or feeling too sleepy is also common.
Anyways say you are pressed by a will within you to stay with it and have support or reassurance with you... At this point the energy will flare up and attack you on all your weakest points to get you to change your trajectory. With distractions of all sorts, like strong desires for food and sex, or the pain and nasty feelings become so intense that you feel complete revulsion nearly puking or passing out. Vision may go at this point and the body spasms or convulses. Then when this attack has peaked it crumbles. All the energy of it fades though this is completely different depending on what it was or who you are... For me, the main difference was whether I had confronted something specific and it was now seen and brought back into the light which then brought on openness joy and bliss, or if I just passed through what was more like just a clump of resistance in which there would be less joy and bliss but still open and more clear... this was almost always just the beginning of the process though and I would then see the most pertinent energy pattern that was in fear and then have to consciously move toward it with the new perspective and clarity I just opened to. The unpleasant feeling and that whole process of facing it may repeat or it might be less severe depending on how focused my intent was and how open I was to light and assistance... I imagine this whole process would be different for most people but I have seen and felt in friends and family over the years that it would be similar...

So I don't believe this intensity is required although it seemed to me to be the fast track in reclaiming parts of my being that are holding in darkness.

Recap with extras inserted:

Trauma or darkness within us takes on will of its own and uses the mind and the body sensations to suggest or control you into creating more darkness or at least staying ignorant of its existence.

When you move towards awareness of it and/or towards full conscious realization it will use a number of tools to keep you from really facing it. Distractions being the most powerful.

Staying with it until it cracks will bring an opening and clarity of thinking and being.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

sleepy satori

Last night as I was in bed and drifting towards sleep I was meditating on what the world would look like if we had moved beyond apathy and was just holding images and feelings of what that might be like. I was also pondering what it would be like to fly into space and look at stars and nebula's and galaxies and feeling the expansion that brought to me...

Then I was observing myself, and the pain in my tooth and a different perspective came in. It was a thought at first and it went "I am actually god" god is here in me... not in me because me is also god.

I moved into that perspective and everything I saw was ok... I saw various pains and stress and didnt wish them to be healed or to be anything, but rather just saw them as god sees them.. just as they are. each time I embodied this kind of observation about some aspect of myself that I have been efforting to change or heal, I would feel a warm glow inside me expand. It could best be described as relaxing... it was warm and easy feeling. My mind became excited at this and was like "wow, look at this we got it!" and tried to own the experience... the perspective of course would begin to fade and become a memory trace... then I would stumble back into that perspective again... After this repeating once or twice I fell asleep. I just remembered it this morning. The god perspective. :)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

infinity loop

Rain, sun, snow, frost, drought, ice age, earthquakes... whatever.

1. There is no point being in opposition to what is... because it already is, and you are only creating suffering for yourself.

2. If climate change has been effected by humans at all then who are we to complain about the weather?

The Rant to my apathy... and yours if you will:

Mother nature as been polluted with all of our mental, emotional and physical garbage for a very long time... We are responsible for some terrible abuse towards this planet, We have affected some drastic changes. Instead of complaining about the weather maybe we could spend that time looking into things like bill c-38... maybe we could wake up out of our collective apathy and delusions and really see what is going on here... We used to live in a country where money and powerful people at the top controlled the way things went and  tried to control media to sway thinking and keep the masses focused on anything but what was important... the only difference now is that the control is more obvious... blatantly obvious... I know, it is a struggle to survive in this day and age and I know what it is like to do the 9-5 work routine for years and the challenge it was to stay happy and alive and engaged in life in a real way.. The whole system in place is set to keep us challenged, to mindlessly accept that it is ok for our politicians to lie cheat style and do harm... or if we think it isn't ok we still just accept it because we dont see ourselves as having any power to change it. Or we do see ourselves with the power but it relies on others joining together and demanding change, enter the apathy.
Its cool, im apathetic, I know about it. I know why it has been in my life, stronger or weaker at different times, but I say the change we want isn't so far fetched and isn't so difficult. The apathy itself is only a projection of your beliefs onto everyone else. Own your apathy! Accept it, look at why it is there. 
What if you were told that your apathy was directly responsible for the state of our world? Or that you could affect the entire planet with your choices, that you didn't need to wait for others to have real power to change things? What if you could see how your apathy was empowering all that you dislike in the world... would you become more apathetic? maybe.. but that has been happening for a while now and it must be stated that you most certainly do have the power to change things all by yourself...  
Will you step up? Will you ponder stepping up? Or is this all obvious and patronizing and you feel you have already stepped up? Have you really? 

Well here is an exercise to practice:

Think of a few inefficient and wasteful policies and practices that you know of in the world and the thought that goes behind them. Now imagine what it would take to change those to something sustainable. Do not for a second give way to doubt or dispair... be creative and use your imagination or if something is clear to you then proceed with that. Take that solution and refine it. Is it sustainable? Does it cause any suffering? Is it plausible? <--- this one can be used loosely because the solutions to present issues are likely to be found outside the present realm of thinking. Some will be as simple and not need refinement. Now here is the magic and here is your power. Hold that solution to your heart... to the will of your heart and picture it already implemented and in place... close your eyes for this. Feel the joy and elation it would bring to others, or the ease it would bring to daily life. Put yourself in this experience of happiness and peace.... 
Hold this feeling in your heart whenever you see this issue in the world from now on... free from frustration and free from apathy... 
Quantum mechanics and some great work by other scientists and therapists have proven that this kind of thing actually works (See "what the bleep" and "the people vs the state of illusion")... 
You can apply this to everything you disagree with in the world (your judgements) and go from being part of the problem (feeding that energy which creates and sustains the things you dislike) to being part of the solution (ushering in a new earth.)


This post is missing all kinds of explanations and details and is definitely directed at myself as well as everyone else, but most of all it is directed at the people (including myself) who believe they are already a part of the solution... until you are an enlightened master and generating love, light and consciousness in all that you do think and say then it seems you are a part of and contributing to the very things you disagree with.

Even with that disclaimer I am still not ok with this post. hahaha... Projecting some?  

well off to try that exercise so as not to be too hypocritical. :)

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Well I certainly haven't kept up with a daily blog of my meditations but life on the road and a weird flu bug might do that. I have arrived in the Koots and have been settling in a bit more each day. Connecting with my aunt on so many topics. The main things include communal living, sustainability, family togetherness, light/energy work, appreciation of nature... Very nice to be here. THOUGH..... hahaha of course there is some sort issue or I wouldn't be writing about it.

Today I had just finished building a stone wall to reinforce one that had collapsed somewhat, when I decided to sit an look out at the water and trees and the yard around me. It felt like I had really arrived here and the whole mental attachment to what I thought things might be like (or honeymoon phase) had come to a point of recognition. When our attachments to ideas about what we are doing or what we will do begin to fade or run out of juice then we are left with ourselves... as we are. And unless a person has completely worked through all their lessons of duality (past enlightenment and through all karmic lessons as well)  then what we may find when we are with ourselves is a lot of discomfort. Without a direction or a goal or a belief that we have some kind of strategy to deal with ourselves their is a feeling of dissatisfaction with what is. This is what I was experiencing today.

I have experienced this before sometimes while solo camping out in the back country. During the whole journey of getting there I am content with things because I have a goal or direction, an idea of myself or the experience that I derive identity form, something to focus on other than just being. As soon as my tent is set up and my meal is done and the day light wont allow for more exploring the feeling starts to creep in. It often takes the form of sadness, and sometimes, though not always, loneliness. I guess it could be more accurately described as anxiety because the nature of the feeling contains that no-matter-what-I-cant-escape-this aspect.

Today however it wasn't so severe as that, but still noteworthy. I sat with this discomfort and felt into it, and pulled out into view what seemed to be the root flavour of it. It was a feeling of low self worth, that my life hasn't been all that good and that I haven't had a lot of the experiences that I would perceive as fun or satisfying. I compared myself to others and got a sickly knotted up feeling in my gut. I was observing this enough to allow it to be and let myself go into it deeper. I began to cry a little, but caught myself for a moment with the thought that "this isnt a big deal at all, I know how to find peace in this" but I felt the urge to really let this process be seen and allow it to be so that I might see the deeper processes. So I pulled more of the feeling out and it was also expressed with tears..or rather tear-less sobbing. Just for 20 seconds or so. Well I came up to the realization that I have been describing above, which is that there is a deep sense of lack in my life... I thought of a few really good times or neat connections and they didnt seem to satify the feeling. The pain was deep. I pondered being unlimited and eternal. That was definitely a path I could follow to regain balance, but the way I have been following that path has been to exclude this void... regardless I decided to just meditate on allowing everything to be as it is and then maybe do another medi... by the end of the first the dis-ease had passed significantly and I pondered for a while how I might overlap my feeling of the infinite with this most unhappy and dissatisfied aspect that seemed to run very deep. My aunt arrived home before I could do the second meditation; I was sitting on the path to the house. So there is an aspect that is still really trapped and suffering and there is this space to realize or glimpse the feeling of being and the peaceful stillness it brings. What am I that desires freedom? what is freedom? what am I? Am I this mind that has said that pain is no good and I must have freedom from it? It appears so... Just now I applied the thought of "this forever" and the outcome was NO CUSSING WAY! it was an instant "cuss this" I give up and rather be dead and never live and never try than to experience this forever... hmmm interesting. Doesnt sound like allowing everything to be as it is. well its way past my bedtime...

The answer or strategy(hahahaha) is practice... practice... practice.